I think I made It abundantly clear in my last post on the subject that I never stopped loving Junkii. So you can imagine the indescribable happiness I feel when I tell you that Junkii is coming home!
And let me be perfectly clear, because it makes me giddy to say it…I don’t just mean he’s returning to Ottawa. I mean it in the best possible sense: that we are getting back together.
I haven’t blogged about this subject since I announced the split, so if I haven’t had a chance to tell you this good news in person, today’s post might come as a shock.
Sorry about that.
I tend to forget that not everyone lives in my head. This has been a much more gradual process for me; Junkii and I have been in close and steady communication more or less since he departed back in November. We’ve been talking on and off for months about potentially reuniting.
There have been times when it looked likely he would return, and other times when he seemed further away than ever. It’s been an emotional roller coaster at times.
While I have never really wavered, over the course of 2016, Junkii has been torn between returning to this life in Canada that he misses – to a partner who loves him, friends who adore his company, and the city and country he considers home – and staying in Amsterdam to try to make the best of the course he had set for himself when he uprooted to resettle in a new place.
After months of talking, I’m still not 100 per cent clear why he decided to move to Amsterdam – or indeed why he decided to stay there for as long as he has – but does it really matter?
Yes, I was hurt by his decision to leave, and maybe I should be more invested in understanding WHY it happened – especially if we’re getting back together and there’s any risk of it happening again. But I prefer to think of it this way: that Junkii hit a point in his life where he needed to go out and explore the world on his own, to better understand himself and to determine the best course for the next stage of his life – whatever that is to be.
And while he has now come to the decision that Amsterdam is not the right place for him, I feel he HAS grown from this experience. That’s why I think calling his choice a “mistake” or labeling it a “midlife crisis” would be to dismiss something that was clearly important to him – to his sense of understanding his place in this world and the important role that he has in the lives of those who love him.
I’ve been told that I’ve been too understanding – too forgiving of Junkii’s actions. I understand that I need to stand up for myself and to look out for my own well-being – but I honestly don’t think one can be TOO forgiving.
Besides, I know I was not blameless in his leaving. Maybe I didn’t show my affection clearly enough; or my attraction. Maybe I didn’t fight hard enough for him to stay when he said he was going, assuming he had already made up his mind. There’s fault on my part too.
So rather than be angry, I want to heal what happened between us and build something stronger.
That’s what I’ve come to after the months of self-reflection, the hours of dialogue with Junkii, and the countless sessions with all of my fantastic friends and family.
Thank you for that time, by the way. Between the small-group therapy over a glass of wine or a pint of beer and the one-on-on counseling sessions over coffee, you’ve all been incredibly supportive and so helpful in letting me process my emotions.
After all the feedback and all the opinions, here’s what my thought process has boiled down to: Junkii is the person I love most; the person who makes me happiest. I want to try, as long as he does too.
So that’s where we’re at. Junkii flies home today.
I know that most of you will be straight-up happy that Junkii is returning, but I’m not so naive as to think there won’t be those with doubts about us getting back together. We’ve all seen too many failed relationships not to be at least a little cynical.
But one thing I know for sure is that every last one of you will be rooting for us…and that support means the world.